2013 Happy Friggin New Year

So here it is at the end of 2012. It’s been an ok year with ups n downs but overall it barely gets a 3 on the suck-o-meter. As I sit here pondering what the New Year might bring, I just want to say to all my friends, family and loved ones…

Stop forwarding shit others have forwarded to you! I have Twitter, and chances are I’ve seen what you thought was cute 2 months ago. Oh and guess what, it wasn’t “LOL” funny, it was mildly amusing at most and by mildly I mean I probably never changed facial expressions.

A quick note…When I tell people to go fuck themselves as a collective group, you can take it to the bank that I was probably joking. You’ll know when I’m not joking when I tell you directly to go fuck yourself.

When it comes to games you can count me in for a good game of hide n go fuck yourself…aside from that, I don’t give a rats ass if you need magic watermelon seeds for your imaginary farm. I mean just how friggin old are you?! Back before computers there were people who played Farmville, they were called farmers and they had these things called farms they played with. 

If they were lucky they lived to the age of 30 without dying in a corn chopping accident. When they were finished for the day they had the sense and good taste not to hassle anyone about magic seeds. Magic seeds didn’t appear much before the “summer of love.”

As for you rotten bastards who want me to play lucky slots or blackjack, if I want to do either I’ll go to a casino. Are you really paying real fucking money to play a game that pays you credits?! If you’re that dim send me your money so I can buy Whiskey, drugs and hookers…. Then I’ll waste the rest.

Facebook to you I say this, I understand you have gotten all grown up and now have investors to answer to, and need to figure out a way to make money on a service you were dumb enough to give away for nothing in the beginning. But for the love of all things holy on the Mayan calendar, stop asking if I want to pay to send messages to someone. I mean any messages of any kind my answer is no.

As I said, I have Twitter and nearly anyone I need to, I can get in touch with in seconds. If not that way, I, like nearly everyone on planet earth who can fog a mirror… has a cell phone. I’ll text or call them directly. If they have a landline and no cell phone chances are I don’t need to get in touch with you, as you are my grandparents who have all been dead towards the higher side of three decades.

What passes for “important information” nowadays wouldn’t have warranted dropping a dime back when pay calls were a dime, and back when there were payphones.  Bleeding to death doesn’t warrant a phone call to me it warrants a drive to the emergency room.

My mother and my cat are the only ones who have given me true comfort this year and really my mom has no choice unless she decides to go all Joan Crawford on me. As she hasn’t moved and forgotten to give me the address, or beaten me with a stash of wire hangers yet I think we’re good. Besides she needs the snow blower fixed from time to time.

The cat loves me but even that comes with a price. He needs food and the occasional change of shit dirt and as he has no opposable thumb, he begrudgingly needs me. I mean who are we kidding, if he wakes up tomorrow with a thumb magically grown onto his paw I’m fucked, and there’s a good chance my truck will be stolen. 
Have a safe and happy 2013 and for the most part, I love you all….if you wondered whom I meant by for the most part….go fuck yourself.


P.S. Oh, and you people tracking “food trends” Bacon is not a trend, it’s a way of life …so get over it. As long as it’s delicious and made of pig people are not going to stop eating it. You want to look for a food trend look at Soy Bacon…


12 thoughts on “2013 Happy Friggin New Year

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