Fast Food

I like fast food as much as a person should like fast food, which is to say I maybe have it once a month. When I do eat fast food I rarely stray from eating particular items at particular restaurants. Going to McDonald’s means I’ll be drinking enough diet coke to water board someone followed by what amounts to a quarter of what Idaho produces a year in russet Burbank potatoes. To gild the lily I get two filet o fish sandwiches because DAMN… I love those things.

Really a filet o fish is nothing more than a delivery system for steamy dill flavored mayonnaise. A chef friend of mine used to get extra tartar sauce on the side and on the sandwich, but advised against this practice pointing to the unflattering side affect of something he could only politely describe as seepage. There is nothing singularly good about a filet, but together somehow it works in the opposite way naked baby oil twister doesn’t work.

Wendy’s means I’ll be eating a spicy chicken sandwich, but for whatever reason I’m good with one. Of course I get the “Biggie” fries, mostly because they don’t have a “Feel Ashamed of Yourself” size which is probably four or five fries more than biggie size. I happen to think Wendy’s fries are slightly better than McDonald’s fries, but that’s akin to thinking being given 195 million dollars is slightly better than being given 194 million dollars…either way it’s pretty damned good.

When I’m pressed for time and want a burger I go to Five Guys. I don’t mind saying their burgers are good and their fries aren’t horrible either. I don’t get burgers at McDonald’s, Wendy’s or any other fast food place because of these people. It’s not that their product is the end all be all of burgers, but more of a statement of how completely awful everyone else’s burgers are. Now that Five Guys, Smashburger, MooYah and In-N-Out have made other burger places unnecessary. Going to the big three and looking for a good burger is like going to a seedy massage parlor and looking for a good massage.

Hey Pav what about Burger King?! Oh I’m so glad you asked. Let’s see, Burger King…If you need to take a pit stop on a road trip and you’re also looking for a watered down fast food soft-drink at the same time, BK is for you. If memory serves the last thing I ate there was a sad breakfast sandwich on a croissant-ish thing. I mean calling one of those a croissant is like calling a loaf of Wonder bread a Baguette. The last whopper I had was around my mid-twenties and the fries were sometime before that because quite frankly their fries suck, and not in a good way.

Arby’s, well I could care less that Arby’s has Deli sandwiches, I go for the original roast beef or whatever the hell that stuff is they put in the original roast beef add a packet of horsey sauce and a packet of Arby’s sauce and “Hello 1971.” If I want a deli sandwich I’ll go to a deli. The last time I tried something new at Arby’s they had just come out with the Beef n Cheddar… in short, it was just wrong. Same ingredients cannibalized from other sandwiches to make something for the sake of, making something.

Taco Bell is a perfect example of this; if you don’t like their beef, bean or chicken taco… you just gave up on 95% of their menu. I personally don’t go because I like soft corn tortillas. I haven’t had “crunchy” taco shells since high school and the soft wrap things taste like wall paper paste but not as good, so as a result I’d rather not eat anything there.  I couldn’t make my buddy understand this when he wanted to go to Taco bell recently.

Me: I don’t like their tacos.

My Buddy:“Well how about their burritos?”

Me: Dude, it’s the same four or five ingredients with hard or soft wrapper options, I really like it.

My Buddy: “So, not even the chalupas?”

Me: *Shaking head* Sigh….Image

Subway, well I have approximately one subway sandwich a year. I always order a cold BMT with all the vegetables because near as I can tell it’s the lesser of the evils. Subway is bad on so many levels it’s hard to tear their sandwiches down on any one thing. The two things they have going for them is that they happen to be in nearly every damned gas station in America, and they have vegetables in their sandwiches so you can think you’re doing the right thing. Then you pull out and examine the deli meats and realize you’re horribly mistaken. Oh and who is the dumbass ordering precooked overdone beef that gets nuked again and thinks, “Damn that’s a good sandwich.” Just stop it. You’re wasting everyone in line’s time…and besides I gotta get some washer fluid and corn nuts after this.


7 thoughts on “Fast Food

    • Thanks very much for reading and thanks for your kind words. I’m always down for some fries and give a slight edge to Wendy’s just due to the thickness and ability to hold heat longer. Have a super day!

  1. “…add a packet of horsey sauce and a packet of Arby’s sauce and ‘Hello 1971.…'”

    Hahaha so true. Arby’s is a total time warp but damn I love those roast beef sandwiches.

    Why do you even bother with Subway even once a year? Shit is vile yo.

    • Yeah, just the original roast beef so good… I’d slap a child for one. Subway is usually one of thos things that, I keep waiting hoping to find something better and it’s either that or corn nuts and candy bars for 3pm lunch…. trust me, it’s not a choice I relish… cause I dig candy bars. Thanks for reading Adam

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